The Calculated Risk of Being Real
The Unspoken Truth:
Why being Authentic is Dangerous
We are constantly encouraged to be authentic, to tell our truth, and to express our unique ideas. The promise is that the "right people" will accept us just as we are.
But most of us remember the sting: the times our authentic opinions led to arguments, our honest needs were judged as selfish, or our vulnerability was met with criticism and rejection. We learned to be cautious.
I remember this feeling vividly during my PhD. At sunny courtyard gatherings (special and rare in this part of Wales), I’d listen to other post-grads speak with composure about their research breakthroughs and playful rapport with their supervisors. Everything sounded easy, joyful, and successful.
And then there was me. Trapped in a cycle of failed experiments, weeks without my supervisor's support, and a deep, cold fear that my funding would run out before I could demonstrate my capacity. I felt utterly lonely, ashamed of my lack of accomplishment, and quietly convinced I was too emotional and simply not cut out for the job, the job I have dreamed of since I was 9 years old.
When asked, “How’s it going?” I always chose the mask. Despite holding a prestigious award, I hid my reality out of a profound, primal fear of judgment, evaluation, and ultimate rejection.
My authenticity wasn't an action I could make alone. It only emerged within a small, trusted circle of friends who already knew my intelligence, had witnessed my resilience, and saw the long hours I was truly working. With them, I felt heard and seen. I felt safe.
This is the critical shift: My authenticity was not a function of my choice; it was a function of the safety I felt within my context.
Before we ask people to be genuine, we must ask: How safe do they truly feel? The deep human longing to express our uniqueness is only fulfilled when we believe we will be seen, welcomed, and included. If we want a world of creative ideas and bold talents, we must shift our focus from commanding authenticity to mastering the art of co-creating safety.
It starts with one profound action: the art of listening and simply “being with”.
Conclusion: The Inner Sanctuary of the Authentic Leader
Why, then, can some individuals speak their truth and remain grounded, even in hostile or emotionally unsafe environments?
The difference lies not in the external context, but in an internal relationship they have cultivated. These individuals have developed a profound, foundational friendship with themselves. Their self-worth is not a variable only dependent on external approval; it is a stable, internal constant.
They possess what we might call Internal Psychological Safety. This means they have developed the capacity for:
Self-Trust and Validation: They can validate their own feelings and experiences, understanding that an external rejection is painful but does not dismantle their sense of self or capacity.
Secure Self-Attachment: They relate to themselves with compassion, not self-judgement. They see struggle as a shared normal human experience, not a shameful personal failure.
Emotional Regulation Skills: They can manage the intense neurological alarm bells of potential rejection without being completely hijacked by them.
For these individuals, their authenticity is an expression of this inner integrity. They weigh the potential external cost (ridicule, dismissal) but their decision to speak comes from a different subconscious risk-assessment: the cost of self-betrayal is now greater than the cost of external judgment.
(It's worth noting that an extreme, rigid form of this self-reliance, one that operates in complete disregard of social feedback and empathy, veers into a different psychological territory altogether, distinct from the healthy, connected authenticity we discuss here.)
For many others, safety is still primarily external, a conditional state they anxiously seek in others. Their authenticity is wisely withheld until the environment signals it is safe. It cannot be just self-built.
For more people to feel they can truly be themselves and step into their full potential, two things must happen in parallel:
We must build environments of external safety (Psychological Safety in teams, Empathetic Leadership, non-shaming cultures).
We must cultivate internal safety in individuals (Self-Compassion, emotional regulation, and a strong inner distinction between worth and outcome).
The future of authentic connection depends on this dual strategy: creating spaces that welcome the real person, while nurturing the inner foundation that allows a person to step into that space, whole and empowered. This is the core work of Relational Intelligence.
Preview: Our Next Article
In our next piece, "The Advantage of Carrying a Mask: The Psychology and Biology of Hiding," we will dive deeper into the science behind the strategic choice to be inauthentic.
We will explore:
The neurobiological alarm system that treats social rejection as a life-or-death threat, and why that feeling is so compelling.
How childhood and cultural conditioning systematically build the protective masks we wear at work.
The hidden toll of performance and perfectionism on your creativity, well-being, and capacity for connection.
Why telling someone to "just be authentic" can be as ineffective as telling an anxious person to "just relax."
We will give you the compassionate, science-based clarity to understand your own past choices, leading you from defensive inauthenticity towards empowered, strategic connection.
Dr. Adriana Candeias is the founder of the BeConnected Institute, establishing Relational Intelligence (RI) as the foundational, science-backed framework for leadership, organisational success, and personal well-being.
The BeConnected Institute equips individuals and organisations to move beyond the fear of authentic connection and build the skills required to foster unshakable trust, psychological safety, and transformative, lasting impact.
Ready to stop gambling with your vulnerability and start investing in the skills that make you and your teams truly resilient?
Click here to explore our courses and learn how to build the external and internal safety required to lead with Relational Intelligence.